Getting it off of my chest - to my beloved mom

I know it is complicated...and i will not find the answer until i myself depart from this world...this thing keeps bugging me all the time...

while I have firm belief in Allah Almighty; and I surrender to whatever Allah's decision was for my beloved Ammi (late); yet whenever I think about her, especially last forty days which I spent with her while she was in acute pain ; it torments me, it breaks me apart.

I keep thinking may be I could have done something better to make her feel special, may be I could have helped her; especially the thought that keeps coming to my mind for some reason is that may be I could have strategize better and saved her life (I ask forgiveness from Allah on that), but this is all out of my love and affection for my mom.

I must admit, that whenever I think about her "in need of help in the last few days", I repent on the idea of taking her to England for treatment; where we were delayed by "cruel" visa officers of UK Embassy, enquiring for more documentation knowing the patient is in critical condition, and may pass away at any moment.

This thought keeps coming to my mind that had I tried for USA instead, they would have been more cooperating, and things would have been better controlled....

I remember the day when I was leaving for USA and she was still in pain...I would not forget when I kissed Ammi's forehead, held her hand, and told her " Acha ammi, Allah kay hawaalay...maen wapis amreeka jaa reha hoon, so that maen aur paesaey lay kar aaon, and we could make u all good agian; and I assured her kay maen jaldee wapis aa jaaonga; I still remember she passed a smile, and I could still remember the love I saw in her eyes...wont be able to ever forget it.......this was my last communication with her...i left the room where she was, straight went to the washroom, and cried out loud to my heart...by heart I knew something is wrong....i knew this might be the last time i am communicating to her....

well...arrived salt lake late night...and three days later kamran called and asked me to comeback immediately as the doctors have asked so.....and so I did....well I could not dare go see her in the ICU on artifical respitaroty system....was not able to face her at all....I knew she is slipping...she stayed quiet for two three days...did not talk to any body at all...

Aamir came from London, was bold enough to go see her in ICU, and recited some chapters of Quran, and spoke in her ear that Ammi I am here and your grand kids and shabina are with me as well....i hope she heard that...and then that evening she gave up on this world...and passed to the heavens (InshaAllah).

Well...I will talk about her love and affection for us some other day...but the thing that bothers me is that...she did injustice to us all...she offered all her unconditional love to us, and when it was time for the return...she never cared about anything...and simply returned....no trades at all...no demands...

The only thing she wished for was to go for Hajj and Umrah...I tried hard to make it happen; once tried to arrange it for Ammi and Abbu...but things did not work out....

About a week before she passed away...she was still on acute pain; I remember I had her recite Kalima Tayyaba out loud..I think three times, Surah Fatiha, Surah Ikhlas three times, Surah Falak, Surah Naas, and Surah Kausar as well..I read it loud and she recited it after me...(may Allah have mercy on her and on me as well)...Saadia was on my side when we were doing that. Ammi enquired specifically, Farhan Gul...why are you doing that...I said Ammi...According to Hazoor (SAW)...surah Fatiha is shifa for every disease...and she smiled......then she thought about some thing for a few minutes...she held my hand again...and said...I had memorized...sorah yaaseen, soorah muzammil, and soorah mulk, and I used to recite them often...then she said...now i am trying to recite surah yaseen but i am forgetting it...she asked why i am forgetting it?...I said Ammi, fikar not....jab aap theek ho jaeingee tou u will remember it all....

oh man.....this is too much for me...cant write it anymore...

May Allah rest her soul in etternal peace.. (Aamin)